Communication in the Bedroom

This is an excerpt from Conscious Men, by John Gray and Arjuna Ardagh.


We have learned that the most important gift a woman can give to a man is to communicate her needs: to find ways to tell him honestly when she wants to have sex, when she wants to be sensuous and cuddle, and when she wants to be left alone. Men have a difficult time imagining or guessing what sex is like for a woman, and unless you communicate, he assumes that it is exactly the same as it is for him, which turns out to be far from the truth. To become more conscious sexually, men need a lot of feedback about what is working, what is not, and when it is time to stop or slow down. You can communicate this not only with words, but by making sounds of pleasure or by moving his hand somewhere else.

One of the greatest errors that women make today is to assume that when a man wants to have sex, he is only trying to get off or to release pent up tension. A Conscious Man is motivated to love you deeply, through his whole body, and it feels good to him to succeed in taking you to the moon through sex. Rather than offering him a quickie or oral sex, it may be better to be honest when you are not in the mood but instead to make a date, at least once a week, to be intimate together. This does not even have to involve intercourse: it is simply a firm date to be naked together, to breathe and touch and connect. A date like this is guided by your pleasure. Let him know what you like and how quickly or slowly to move to the next step. You might even like to teach him how you would like him to give you orgasms through your clitoris, your G spot, as well as deep in your vagina. To a Conscious Man, this is a gift. It is a much more fulfilling sexual experience than just getting off.

Some women will sometimes fake pleasure or even orgasm, which trains a man to think he is doing a great job as a lover when he is not. That is not the best way to bring forth consciousness in a man. When resentments build up between a man and a woman, it affects a woman sexually more than it affects a man. He can still have sex even when there is “stuff” in the air. But for a woman, when there are unresolved feelings in the relationship — resentment, distrust, hurt, or distance — it makes it difficult to genuinely open up in sex. Since he does not understand that so well, he may put his partner under pressure and tell her that she is not contributing to the relationship. Many women then just do it anyway, to please him and to do their part. Under these circumstances, a woman wants to get it over with quickly. She will look for the shortest route to get him aroused so he can ejaculate. The key here is to talk about feelings and to encourage him to practice listening.

Both men and women come from thousands of years of woman’s sexuality being less important than a man’s. For a Conscious Man, the practice is to focus more on your pleasure. It recreates balance and retrains him to be more aware sexually. We might think the opposite is also true, that for a Conscious Woman, the practice is to focus more on his pleasure. But we have all been doing that already for thousands of years. It will help a man much more to practice focusing on your pleasure. Focus on what feels good to you and what opens you, and find ways to communicate that to him. That will give your man the opportunity to succeed in being a good lover. Remember, in every way men feel better about themselves when they are able to succeed through action.

If you are single, it is equally important to be honest with yourself and everyone else about what you really want and what you do not want. It is important to learn how to say “No” to a man, without the fear of rejecting him and losing him.

From Conscious Men, by John Gray and Arjuna Ardagh. You can order a paperback copy or Kindle edition on Amazon here.

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