When you gave your first inauguration speech, back in 2009, I cried. You carried me high on the waves of inspired certainty, you plunged me deep beneath the surface, reminding me of the responsibility we carry to each other to rebuild a nation we can be proud of. Just about everything you did or said back then, I was with you all the way. You were all about change, and back in 2008 I was about as ready for change as it gets. You just kept doing it right by me! You and Michelle planted an organic garden at the White House. Hey, this guy is just like me! The dry self-depreciating humor, the Letterman appearances, the good diet, the love of your children. The list of things I loved about you and your family just went on and on. Finally I had found a politician I could call my bud.
I know that you have been trying to do your best as a lame duck president, so I’ve cut you some slack these years about less change than I was expecting. Lets face it, its been more like loose change than anything really earth shattering.
I know that a lot of people voted for you, and I can understand that you can’t remember every one of them. So let me introduce myself. I write books, and I train people to be Awakening Coaches. Thing is, I travel a lot, you see. For my work. Back in Clinton days, I was proud to wave my American passport. All over the world I heard, “Ah, Americano, yes, you my friend, come in.” Mostly they wanted to sell me stuff, but they did particularly want to sell their stuff to ME, coz I was an American.
Then some very suspect things happened with voting machines and hanging chad in Florida, and we were plunged into eight years of Dick Cheney and that rich kid he had deliver his speeches for him. You know, the one who couldn’t spell. W. Something. After a few invasions, international bullying and widespread downright lying, it did not take long for that US passport to become an embarrassment. I was apologizing for my country of choice now. Even the French were miffed at us. The UN groaned in a chorus of international disgust whenever W showed his face.
You were supposed to be the change guy, remember? You might have only got about half the vote in America, but back in 2008 you had about a 93% approval rating in the rest of the world. Everyone was ready for America to sober up, quit bullying everyone else, and take the lead into a brave new world.
So I gotta ask ya, Mr Prez, WTF? I mean really. You are a smart guy, and you gotta admit that this latest thing does not look good AT ALL. A guy gives up a well paid job in Hawaii, the perfect life, to expose his own government for spying on its own people. There does not appear to be any self interest, it is a matter of conscience. He has to flee his own country, because he knows only too well what they may do to him. While on the run, his own government tries to capture him and imprison him, while the press in the rest of world cheers him on. What does this look like to you? When have people in the past feared their own government, taken courageous acts of conscience, putting their own welfare at risk? I remember such stories under Stalin, in pre-war Germany, in Afghanistan under the Taliban. Really, you gotta ask yourself Barack, is this really the way you want to be seen and remembered?
I really do know you are a good guy deep down, and I see you. You know, like in the Avatar movie. That’s why I’m going to come to DC soon, so we can sit down over a beer and sort this out together, like bros do. I’m happy to offer you some Awakening Coaching, and help you get all this back on track. No, no, no need to pay me, its my way to serve my country.
In the meantime, here are your first coaching assignments.
First of all, forget about trying to punish Ed Snowden. Its done now, let him alone. Trying to get revenge only makes you look like a W. clone. And trust me, as your coach I’m telling you you don’t want that. If anything, you can commend him for being brave, and drawing attention to a very important issue. And definitely, under no circumstances are you to invade anyone, however tempting it may be. Use a punching bag instead.
Second, I want you to get onto one of those TV interview shows. Jon Stewart would be ideal but Letterman would be fine too. Reassure us that you really get it how spying on your own people is really, I mean REALLY not cool, and does not in the wildest imagination look like real “Change.”
We love ya, dude. We believe in you. We’ve rooted for you this far, and we are eternally grateful that we did not end up with Sarah Palin, for example. Give us leadership to be proud of, and we will walk the extra mile for you.
All the best from your bro,
[NOTE TO EVERYONE ELSE: While I am in DC hanging with the Prez, any messages you’d like me to pass on? Subsidies for electric cars? Fashion suggestions for tie colors? New national anthem from Beach House? Gay Marriage? Use the comments box below and I’ll make sure you get heard…]