Reflections on a marriage…


reflectionMy beloved wife of 8 years, Chameli, has left me for the sunny beaches of Corfu. I would feel a lot more upset about this if it would not for the fact that she’ll be back soon, and sends me the most delicious love notes every day. And anyway, I have gone back to my old lover. The first thing I do when I wake up each morning, is to turn to her and melt with her completely. Last thing I do before sleep is to give her my undivided attention for half an hour. She always opens herself to me, sooner or later, and her kisses are other-worldly. Her name in meditation, and I have flirted with her on and off for forty years now.

So this is actually a beautiful time to be alone for a while, to be a monk and to have time to reflect on the miracle of our life.

You’ve probably noticed that a lot of the ways that we all relate with our intimate partner are carbon copies of, or rebellious reactions to, the way that our families behaved. For the most part, people who grow up in an atmosphere of conflict, or manipulation, or cruelty, seem to carry those habits forward. And those who are lucky enough to grow up in an honest, open, loving environment stand a batter chance at creating the same for themselves in their own lives.

For myself, I belong in category one. My parent divorced in a messy way when I was 4 years old (come to think of it, I wonder if there’s an un-messy way to get divorced?) and neither of them ever really created deeply loving or sustainable relationships in their lives. Sure enough, by the time that I got to be a teenager, I became painfully aware that the same patterns was recreating for me too. Exactly the same habits of judgement, control, and withdrawal were playing out in my own personal life, in the same way I’d seen them play out in my parents’ lives.

There came a pivotal point for me when I was forty four years old, after my marriage, and several other relationships following it, had crumbled apart. One night I sat on my deck under the stars, and had a stark realization.  If I died one day, never having fully loved, it would not actually be ok. No amount of meditation, or other kinds of practices could actually compensate for not fully loving. In that moment I saw that this was something I would have to put straight in order to feel I had really lived. About three weeks later, I met an extraordinary woman, she was loving, humorous and beautiful, but also a fierce spiritual practitioner. When I first met her, she had just come back from an extended retreat where she had come to exactly the same conclusion as I had. A mentor had told her, ”The love you are trying to get from the outside is actually who you already are.” I was so impressed by the depth and dedication of this young woman’s practice that we developed a deep friendship, comparing notes all the time by e mail on how to bridge the painful schism between the depths of meditation and the actually of intimate relationship.

Chameli and I have been married now for eight years, and what we have created is a miracle. If you had told me all those years back that I would have this kind of marriage, I would have laughed in your face. Some people might call it luck: you just have to meet the right person. Some might attribute it to the bruisings of aging and time. But I would chalk up the ecstatic triumph of this marriage to the consistent use of very specific practices which have allowed us not to change the quirks of our personalities (which are, by the way, irreparably broken), but to change the relationship we have to those habits.

I’d love to share more about this very intimate topic with you. It would be better to have a dialog about it.  Are you free to join me by phone or over the web this Thursday, June 17th at 6pm Pacific Time?  In this call, which will be about an hour, I will share with you the six most important “keys” to creating an ecstatic marriage out of the basic raw materials.  You can interact with me during the call, and dialog over the phone or through a web site.  If you can’t make it live, register anyway, and you can hear the recording on the same page. During the call I’ll also tell you about the Deeper Love retreat-at-home, which Chameli and I have been creating together these last months. I’ll also tell you about the Deeper Love seminar we’ll be doing in Europe this September.


all my love, dear friends, Arjuna

and now, back to the meditation cushion…

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19 Responses to “Reflections on a marriage…”

  1. Rene Remington June 15, 2010 at 5:08 pm // Reply

    Thank you for sharing yourself Arjuna



  2. Danka June 16, 2010 at 2:09 pm // Reply

    (…) If I died one day, never having fully loved, it would not actually be ok. (…)
    Thank you for this text abour relationship. And for sharing it, in this particular time of life I live now.
    In joy,


  3. Wim de Vries June 16, 2010 at 4:38 pm // Reply

    hi arjuna,

    thanks for sharing… so much loving truth shines through you…

    after 2 marriages and more relationships i am realy happy to be on my one (own?)…
    good to look at patterns with my parrents (on the other side) and brother…
    maybe ‘my’ woman comes along some day… when i’m ready 😉
    love and regards


    • Arjuna Ardagh June 21, 2010 at 4:52 pm // Reply

      great to hear from you, Wim
      all wind in your sails in looking into yourself
      all my love


  4. Alfred June 16, 2010 at 10:26 pm // Reply

    Thank you for sharing your practical ideas.


  5. kumari June 17, 2010 at 3:07 am // Reply

    Thanks for your writing. i really feel your genuine service in sharing yourself.


  6. Susan June 17, 2010 at 5:35 am // Reply

    It is so obvious that the basis of what you have together is the raw vulnerability w/which you share…as in this essay. You have cast fear of exposure aside.
    Admiringly, Susan


  7. dee gonsor June 17, 2010 at 11:10 am // Reply

    I feel what wants to open up is the raw vulnerability. We are able to say what is going on inside. What is happening to me right now is coming into my own self love. First, spirit seemed to want me to trust loving another.

    Spirit tells me our relationship will be able to survive this change I am going thru.That a deeper trust and more ease will come out of this. I feel deeply in my stuff, mostly not deserving and unworthiness which I have learned to override with my mind. I dont know what to do, how to let go. When I share, it comes from my thinking self. Dee


  8. dee June 18, 2010 at 8:59 am // Reply

    Arjunah, This old pattern of severe judgment and self hatred has been coming up along with this openeness in my relationship and with this strengthing of who I really am. I am afraid I went back into this old place that my brain feels split. There is deep grief, and I can feel how sad my spirit feels. And it hurts my partner and relationship. I can feel underneath the judgement deep pain and hurt and esspecially feelings of inadauacy. I dont know what to do.


    • Arjuna Ardagh June 21, 2010 at 10:40 pm // Reply

      Did you listen to the teleseminar? The replay is still there for you. It has many ideas…


  9. Kathleen Lewandowski June 19, 2010 at 3:32 pm // Reply

    Hi Arjuna:
    Thank you for your reflections. I am sorry I could not be on the call on Thursday. I am trying to figure out if I can still register and listen. Is this possible???

    Thank you again.
    L & B<


    • Arjuna Ardagh June 21, 2010 at 4:50 pm // Reply

      yes, of course, you are welcome
      Just use the same link as for the live event



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